My name is Carmel O’Shea and I am participating in the Vhi Women’s Mini Marathon as the Cork County Champion supporting the charity Féileacáin after being nominated by one of the founders and my fellow volunteers.  

We lost out little girl Maddie-Lou, who was our second child, 8 years ago, she was born at just over 32 weeks, still born and weighed just under 3 pounds, absolutely perfect. 

I participated in the Mini Marathon for the first time in September that same year, 2013. It gave us a much welcomed chance to celebrate our daughter’s existence while being able to raise some well deserved funds for the help we had received from Féileacáin.  

Féileacáin (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Association of Ireland – SANDAI) was formed in 2009 and subsequently registered as a charity in 2010 ( CHY – 19635). Féileacáin was formed by a group of bereaved parents to offer support to anyone affected by the death of a baby around the time of birth, and the organisation is now the national charity supporting families affected by perinatal loss. Féileacáin is a volunteer led organisation, relying on the support of their community and the families who avail of Féileacáin services.

The angel nurse in the hospital did ink prints of both of Maddie’s feet and of her right hand, that kit to do the prints is provided in the Féileacáin memory box which becomes one of your prize possessions after your baby dies!

In the memory box there’s also a blanket made by bereaved parents/grandparents a little trinket box to keep a lock of hair, a candle, there are two identical teddies, one for the parents and one for the baby and the idea is to swap Teddy’s before the funeral, you’ll always have your baby’s teddy and he or she will have mom and dads, both having the identical possessions. There are lots of helpful leaflets to guide you through, you just haven’t a clue yourself, most would never have had to consider a funeral before and now instead of the excitement and enjoyment a new Baby always brings, you have the stark thought of how and where you are going to bury your baby in their little white coffin!!! 

We had Maddie in the hospital room with us in her Moses basket and there was a little cooling mat in it, which what we were to find out was the cuddle cot provided by Féileacáin.  

Our first daughter who was 10 years old at the time was adamant that we bring baby Maddie home.  When she suggested this our first responses were, we can’t do that can we? how “weird” would that be? After thinking about it I thought, well people do bring family members home to wake although I had never heard of anyone bring home a newborn to wake, so we said we’ll ask and the only thing that can really stop us is if it’s illegal!!! So we asked the Bereavement midwife and she answered that we could do whatever we wanted once it was right for us and the midwife on the ward said that we could bring home “Feileicáin’s Cuddle Cot” to help us keep Maddie with us for longer. We were the first family to bring the cuddle cot home in June 2013 and one of my dear friends, another Bereaved Mom, who I got to know through Féileacáin was the first to actually use the cuddle cot in the hospital in April that year for her baby boy. 

So in the weeks and months after Maddie died I had myself convinced I must be gone crazy, the pain and loss is very much underestimated, the baby is gone and your supposed to carry on with life, every second of every day you’re tormented with the thoughts of how things should be so different, your baby should be a week old, .......six weeks old, .......3 months old and so on, all the different milestones and the time in between just passes with no baby there. It’s so difficult to even have a normal conversation because you’re thinking, how can this be the conversation when my baby has died, how can I worry about small things when the worst thing has happened how can I eat how can I sleep, the pain is just totally consuming!!! The first time I understood, that feeling the way I felt, was actually normal was when I went to my first Féileacáin meeting. Meeting sounds very formal but it’s a chance to talk openly about our babies, I felt at ease to hear other Bereaved parents telling their story and describe the feelings I had had. You don’t want ever to be a member of the club but when you are you know that although everyone has had different circumstances to lead them to Féileacáin we are all there for the same reason, our child has died and we just want to help each other. My wish would be for nobody to ever have to go through it. 

I have had 2 more children since, I now have 4 children, 3 with me physically but all four forever in my heart. I am so so very grateful for all my children, each one of them mean exactly the same to me, I love them all equally. Even though the pain of losing Maddie was horrendous, I wouldn’t change having her as part of our family. If someone said I could turn back the clock and not have her I would say no, obviously I’d rather she lived, but even though she didn’t I still adore her as I do our other 3. Family occasions are always difficult, knowing there’s always one missing! We always bring Maddie’s teddy with us and if we’re taking a photo, one of my other children will hold Maddie’s teddy or photo. Often it doesn’t have to be a special occasion, it could just be looking at the 3 together and I imagine Maddie there.........., nobody would know that the thought is going through my mind. That may sound off the wall, the question may arise, should we just forget it and move on? My answer is, if anyone was to think of their own children and were asked to chose one to die and move on with the others would that be possible..... I’m certain it wouldn’t. Though they were only babies, our babies lost the lives we had planned for them. They’d have been 3 and starting preschool, 5 and starting primary school, make their holy communion, confirmation and maybe get married and so on.  You don’t just lose a baby at birth, you lose a future with your child, every single milestone that they should reach is embedded in your mind with wonder and longing to know what they would be like and a broken heart full of love that you have to show them but they’re not here to see or receive it. Always watching their missing place in the family as they should be growing within it.  

Volunteering with Féileacáin is an honour for me. It gives me a chance to speak about Maddie-Lou, my daughter who died, while hopefully at the same time providing advice and support to grieving parents. It’s an opportunity to give back to an organisation who have provided me with my most treasured and valuable possessions, the physical memories of our little girl. The Vhi Women’s Mini Marathon is a fantastic opportunity to allow us raise awareness of Féileacáin and to collect sponsorship for our charity. Thank you 

For anyone who would like to contribute to Carmel’s Fundraising for Féileacáin, you can do so here